April 25, 2010

So I had just gone on another particularly average date with a guy I met at a bar at 5 a.m. This was probably my first mistake. We went to see the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine.” I happen to love the 80s and thankfully had decided to emulate the Flock of Seagulls hair swoop for our date.

As the movie came to a close and we got up from our seats GM turned to me and loudly said, “I bet you have to fart.”

Now, I wouldn’t say I’m a lady in EVERY sense of the word. But when it comes to flatulence, I try to shy away … at least on the first date. I nervously giggled and pretended I didn’t hear him. Obviously this was something he felt very strongly about, as he repeated it again but this time much more demanding: “I. BET. YOU. HAVE. TO. FART.”

If I had my wits about me, I probably would have just let one rip right there and high-fived him. Instead, I chose to ignore the statement completely, thinking the gas talk would be over.

I was wrong.

As we left the theater, GM nervously grabbed my hand and gazed adoringly into my eyes. I thought to myself, “Perhaps this guy isn’t so bad after all!” Slowly smiling, he then leaned over to me and whispered, “I have a pocket of air in my lower intestine. I’m going to need to nurse this one out.” He then smiled a little wider and squeezed my hand a little harder. In a state of shock, I quickly go through the various ways I can escape GM as our arms swing hand in hand. I decided my best bet is to gnaw my arm off and run, leaving him holding my self amputated stump. He then boasted to me, “My friends call me the Gas Man. It’s because I fart a lot.”

Thank you for clarifying Gas Man. I was hoping they called you that because you used to work at Nicor.

Dating Rule #1:

Do NOT talk about gas on a first date. Unless it involves a dental procedure, girls do not want to hear about it. Although you may be quite proud about your Silent But Deadly ability, this will not get you laid. And it especially will not get you a second date.