GAS MAN

April 25, 2010

So I had just gone on another particularly average date with a guy I met at a bar at 5 a.m. This was probably my first mistake. We went to see the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine.” I happen to love the 80s and thankfully had decided to emulate the Flock of Seagulls hair swoop for our date.
 

 
  
  
  
 
 
 
As the movie came to a close and we got up from our seats GM turned to me and loudly said, “I bet you have to fart.”

Now, I wouldn’t say I’m a lady in EVERY sense of the word. But when it comes to flatulence, I try to shy away … at least on the first date. I nervously giggled and pretended I didn’t hear him. Obviously this was something he felt very strongly about, as he repeated it again but this time much more demanding: “I. BET. YOU. HAVE. TO. FART.”

If I had my wits about me, I probably would have just let one rip right there and high-fived him. Instead, I chose to ignore the statement completely, thinking the gas talk would be over.

I was wrong.

As we left the theater, GM nervously grabbed my hand and gazed adoringly into my eyes. I thought to myself, “Perhaps this guy isn’t so bad after all!” Slowly smiling, he then leaned over to me and whispered, “I have a pocket of air in my lower intestine. I’m going to need to nurse this one out.” He then smiled a little wider and squeezed my hand a little harder. In a state of shock, I quickly go through the various ways I can escape GM as our arms swing hand in hand. I decided my best bet is to gnaw my arm off and run, leaving him holding my self amputated stump. He then boasted to me, “My friends call me the Gas Man. It’s because I fart a lot.”

Thank you for clarifying Gas Man. I was hoping they called you that because you used to work at Nicor.

Dating Rule #1:

Do NOT talk about gas on a first date. Unless it involves a dental procedure, girls do not want to hear about it. Although you may be quite proud about your Silent But Deadly ability, this will not get you laid. And it especially will not get you a second date.

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28 Responses to “GAS MAN”

  1. Jennifer Glyman Says:

    Hilarious! Looking forward to gearing more misadventures in your love life.

  2. Robin Says:

    I will faithfully follow your adventures in dating! This post made me laugh from beginning to end! Keep blogging!

  3. Aud Says:

    Finally something interesting for me to read @ work…I am laughing out loud….but should I be crying?Looking forward to the next installment of
    “It’s Not That Complicated”..Or is it?LYLT/Mom

  4. Ranya Says:

    Hilarious Leigh…I am so impressed with your witty writing! I shall live vicariously through you….gotta go…have to fart!

  5. kelly Says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. umm, you should be used to that tho… they say every girl looks for someone like their dad… LMAO… HYSTERICAL

  6. Megs Says:

    Leigh–this is hilarious…I plan on tuning in each week for a new story!!

  7. Amanda Says:

    Oh man, I am soooo sorry that I encouraged you to date this guy. But at least you got a good story out of it.

  8. Shelley Says:

    I’m crying from laughing so hard! I can hardly believe GM exists! Can’t wait for more stories Leighski!

  9. Dottie Says:

    This is HILARIOUS!

  10. Eva Says:

    Leigh, I’m going to keep reading : )

  11. Britt Says:

    I can literally hear your uncomfortable giggle in response to GM’s comments about nursing the pocket of air in his lower intestine…I laughed so hard I almost peed…can’t wait for more!

  12. Maria Says:

    You’ve got to give the guy credit for allowing you an opportunity to break wind in his presence. I know women who would kill for the courtesy…keep me tuned in!

  13. Becky Says:

    Haha, this is great Leigh.

  14. Lori Says:

    Eyes watering from laughing so hard….you are so funny!!!!

  15. Karen Says:

    Leigh, you are a great story teller! Too bad there is so much truth behind it. Thanks for keeping us laughing 🙂

  16. Claire Says:

    This is awesome. And really hits home since I too have been on a similar first date. We went out for ice cream and I ordered an ice-based flavour (rather than cream-based) and he asked why. I told him I’m lactose intolerant. He responded by making farting noises. I said “no, not that kind of lactose intolerant”. He said “yeah suuureee” and continued making farting noises. Overall, not the best first date I’ve ever had. I can’t wait to hear more of your date stories!

  17. Kate Says:

    Fantastic first posting Leigh- what a winner this one was! Can not wait to read your blog! 🙂

  18. Angela Says:

    Farting rules! Can I get Gas Man’s number?

  19. Kelly Says:

    You just made my day. I’m definitely going to follow this one!

  20. Melvin Says:

    Oh Leigh. This is hillarious. I look forward to reading this weekly!

  21. Betsy Says:

    OH my god, you are too funny! Can’t wait to hear more!

  22. Jr. Burger Says:

    Your grammar is exquisite. Keep it up.

  23. Julie Says:

    Silent But Deadly Not Equal to TRUE LOVE??? Sadness.

  24. marl Says:

    love the hair!

  25. Robyn Says:

    Laughing so hard I cried and almost peed. David made me read it out loud. This will be my first blog that I follow.

  26. Barcal Says:

    Leigh you REALLY need to have your own reality show if these are the types of guys you go on dates with!!

  27. Helen Says:

    Leigh, thanks for sharing these. Your mom was right, hilarious and astonishing…funny how I wish there was more to read about this guy.

  28. TheSingleFilez Says:

    Brilliant!!


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