May 17, 2010

A few months ago I decided to try out the world of Internet dating. Everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I? I planned to meet one of my online “matches” for drinks at a bar near my place. He arrived first, and I was pleased he looked exactly like his picture. Mr. Match had already ordered a beer, so we exchanged pleasantries as I quickly ordered sangria. It had been about 12 hours since my last drink and I had to stop the shakes somehow!

As we began to discuss our demographics, families and other typical first date banter, I noticed he was drinking his beer rather quickly. And by rather quickly I mean he shot-gunned it and then smashed the bottle against his forehead. The waitress quickly ran over and asked him if he would like another.

“No,” he confidently said. “Just the check.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am no supermodel. But I’m not a hideous monster either. I have several redeeming qualities that usually buy me, at the very least, a second date. I have dimples and double Ds, for Pete’s sake!

I eyed the sangria angrily as I calculated the amount of time it would take me to finish that bad boy in time for the check to be paid. I began to chug my sangria, even as bits of fruit fell into my eye, almost rendering me blind. The Guzzler then handed me a napkin, paid the bill and off he went.

I, of course, went and met friends at a nearby bar to drown my troll face in a bucket of rum.

Dating Rule #4:

Looks are important. If the little guy can’t lift off, that’s going to be a problem. But at the very least PRETEND someone’s personality matters as well. Cutting a date short without even letting your alcoholic date finish her drink is akin to ripping out her heart. If you don’t like the way I look, I can deal with it. But at least let me get a buzz. You do realize the drunker I get the easier I get, right?


8 Responses to “THE GUZZLER”

  1. Krebs Says:

    Did you include in your online dating profile the fact that plying you with sangria is an easy way to get you in a more “casual moral attitude” mood? This might be an important addition to your profile to avoid further sangria mishaps…

  2. Jenny Says:

    Boo Hiss to the guzzler. I want to punch him in his thick cranium.

  3. Ashley Says:

    Hilarious Lee! I look forward to reading your stories every week!

  4. Aud Says:

    Well…at least you did not lose an eye…and he could of left the check for you to pay..I would have ordered another Sangria “to go”..minus the fruit..Really his loss!

  5. Melvin Says:

    What an ass! Maybe he figured you were too hot and he had now chance……

  6. Ranya Says:

    What da heck is wrong w people…You make me laugh so hard, have gorgeous hair, eyes & bright smile. You got da whole package yo!
    Keep em coming…you kill me. That is why I have given up on the dating world. Let me know if you have an internet dating service that you like best.
    Their loss my friend…

  7. TheSingleFilez Says:

    Oh dear. What an idiot! At the same time, I can’t help but feel comforted at the fact that other women out there are experiencing crappy dates too. You are not alone hun!
    Single Lady

  8. Nicotine Says:

    of course internet dating is the trend these days, you can meet lots of people on the internet ‘`’

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