CARDIAC ARREST

July 5, 2010

As I’ve mentioned before, I decided to try the whole online dating thing earlier in the year, which didn’t exactly work out in my favor. Unless you count attempted date rape by a guy who waxes his arm hair as being in my favor?

No? Well then, yeah, it did not exactly work out in my favor.

I bowed out of said membership after several weeks, but because I had already been talking to this young guy, I figured I may as well meet him. Between you and me, he was super attractive, at least in his pictures. Call me shallow, but sometimes my jiggles and bits have a mind of their own.

I should preface this story by saying he also was a big fan of texting and emailing. And by big fan, I mean he never once picked up the phone to call me and relied instead on sending me random texts at random times for no apparent reason. Texting me “What’s up?” on a Tuesday at 2:12 p.m. … um, what do you think is up? I’m busy sitting at my windowless cube plotting my own death until the clock strikes 4:30 – that’s what is up. Unless you have some rat poison or rope you could loan me, please leave me to my imagination.

I digress. As you have realized, I have a tendency to do this. I have a way of making a very short story long. Some call it a gift. Others call it annoying. You’re obviously reading this blog for a reason, so we know which side you’re on.

Back to the date:
So via text we decided to meet for drinks one evening after work. He picked the day but mentioned he had a doctor’s appointment earlier, which I said was no problem, as I had an appointment after work to get my balls waxed. We settled on meeting around 7.

After my appointment I text him to make sure we’re still on. He responds right away, informing me that he is still at the doctor’s office. I find this a little odd, as it’s 6:30 and most medical offices do not stay open that late. So of course I state something vague about hoping everything is OK. He responds he is just waiting for his EKG results.

EKG? Hmm….I’m not sure quite how to respond to that, so I just waited for him to get back to me on the results. Fifteen minutes later he texted me that he got the results and they were “not good” and he would not be able to make our date.

And I never heard from him again.

Whether he was lying or not I will never fully know, but there are a few things I do know.

Dating Rule:

If you actually do have a medical problem and schedule an appointment with a cardiologist, don’t schedule a first date on the same night.

If you have a wife or girlfriend and never intended to meet any of the girls you troll for, don’t get online to try to meet a potential love/lust interest. Especially if you intend to then make up a lie about a heart condition to get out of it.

If you are not interested in a girl because you don’t like the sound of her texts, stop wasting her minutes by writing her! I’m sure if he would have taken the opportunity to meet me I would have given him PLENTY of reasons to not want to see me again.

But if he based this only on a few text messages? Well, good riddance.

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