SINGLE WHITE FEMALE

July 19, 2010

I’m usually pretty open to setups. Especially when it’s your manager setting you up. My manager is not really aware of my drinking habits, so I would assume she would set me up with someone mature, intelligent and somewhat responsible.

Wrong. She apparently knows me better than I thought.

I agree to a setup and my email and phone number are forwarded. We share a few brief emails while I await a phone call. A few days later, on a Friday night at 7 PM (does he not know about happy hour?), I get a text from him: “So tell me about yourself.”

Really? Over a text?

My mind fast forwards to a likely visit with a hand specialist for trigger thumb. I do not see this conversation going very far. I mean, where do I begin? I’m a brunette midget with a bad rum habit. Oh, and I also like traveling, animals and mustaches.

So, of course, I choose not to respond at all. He texts me back about 20 minutes later: “Oh so I take you’re not a big texter?”

No, moron. I just choose not to get to know a complete stranger OVER TEXT MESSAGE. So I diplomatically respond, stating I didn’t feel texting was a good way to get to know someone. His response was that if I felt that way I could “call him later.”

I wouldn’t hold your breath, buddy.

Throughout the next few weeks he continued to pepper me with emails and text messages without once picking up the phone. Nor did he ask me anything in these texts or emails other than about my day or weekend. I did not respond to any of his messages.

All the while I noticed a strange flurry of unknown numbers calling my phone at all different hours of the day/night and not leaving messages. I assumed my new addiction for adding love notes in seedy bathrooms stalls, “Call this number for a good time,” was finally paying off!

Then I received a voicemail from a woman stating she was setup’s fiancée and wanted me to call her back to see how I knew him. Not one for drama, I ignored this message, choosing to not get involved. She continued to call and send texts pleading with me to call her back and that I could “have him if we were truly in love.”

In the meantime, my manager said she got a strange call asking why I was calling setup’s ex-girlfriend? Apparently the ex told him I was calling HER. WHAT? I then showed her all of the messages and played the voicemails for her.

His ex-girlfriend is very obviously psycho. Check please.

Dating Rule:
First of all, I get the whole text message phenomena. It’s easy, fast and requires no commitment – I’m on board! But to attempt to get to know an absolute stranger over text? Strike 1.

To attempt this during my beloved happy hour? Strike 2.

The fact that you are clearly still in contact with your psycho ex-girlfriend, giving her ample opportunity to look at your text messages while you’re in the shitter and steal my number? Strike 10.

If you’re looking for a hot mess who will drunkenly give you a lap dance on a busy El train, look no further – I’m your gal. If you’re looking for a dramatic psycho bitch who will go through your phone and likely hack into your email, keep on moving, buddy. I’m too drunk to really care that much.

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