August 22, 2010

My freshman year in college I lived with two of my best friends from high school in the “six pack” at the University of Illinois. We were incredibly lucky to be given a room the size of a study lounge. We were coined “the triple.” Not to say we were famous or anything, but we definitely had a problem with paparazzi. People were always wanting us to sign autographs as well. It was a mess.


The only people wanting to take my picture were at the police station and I believe it’s called a mug shot. And autographs consisted of signing off on “confessions.” Since when is it illegal to commission prostitutes for a “good time?” And then beat them with a pipe to show them who is boss?

The dorms we picked were a pretty popular place to live. Which was good and bad. Bad because sometimes my one roommate and I would give fake names to guys we met for unknown reasons. This backfired when we would run into them in the cafeteria. I was always a tad taken aback when some frantic guy came running over yelling, “Kat!!! Ivy!!!” Being too embarrassed to admit we lied, we would have to go along with it. I’m not sure why I always chose Katarina as my fake name. I am clearly not Russian (I always said my parents were Russian immigrants), nor do I enjoy playing with balls of yarn or licking myself clean (though if I could reach…).

This really has nothing to do with anything. I digress.

So we were out partying and returned to the dorms to hang out in our friend’s room. The dorm we lived in had an L-shaped hallway for girls, then the other L-shaped hallway was for guys. I’m not sure who thought of this idea, but it made it very easy for pirates like me to rape and pillage.

On this particular night I guess I informed everyone I was going to “go for a walk.” Apparently what I meant when I said “walk” was try EVERY one of the doors on the boys’ side to see if they were open.

Some were open.

My friend later found me in some stranger’s room. The person was sleeping, but I had crawled up into his bunk bed and in a very evil voice was saying I loved him and then giggling and licking his face. My friend was pretty sure he was fake sleeping.

And was very scared.

We made our way back to our room, went to sleep and that was that.

However, I must have woken up in the night and decided I had not yet had my fill of raping and pillaging. For when we awoke the next day our room was filled with all sorts of treasures, including a music stand, a Bob Marley poster, and some various jerseys/clothes.

I was mortified! I had no idea what rooms I had taken these items from or how I would ever return them! We chose to do a covert mission. We checked to make sure the boys’ hallway was clear and left the items sitting in the middle of the hall so the owners could claim them.

That’s what you get for leaving your door unlocked when you know there is a pirate residing in “the triple.” Did the peg leg and parrot not give it away?!


Moral of the Story:

For those who design dorm room layouts: It may not be the best idea to intermix 18-year-old drunk guys and girls in the same living space. As I’m sure all of us who have lived in a dorm know, lots of strange stuff happens.

For anyone designing living space for the likes of me, locks on the OUTSIDE of the doors are most likely necessary. If you don’t, you are at risk of me stealing your belongings, then your soul.


4 Responses to “DORM ROOM BANDIT”

  1. Alexia Says:

    New favourite blog. Awesome.

  2. Kristi Says:

    This is by far my favorite so far! Fucking hilarious!

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