MARIO ANDRETTI

I was 16 years old and officially driving the summer before my junior year of high school. My best friend’s birthday is in July. For every birthday her parents bought her a Sara Lee cake. I’m not sure if you’ve ever had this cake, but it’s seriously one of the more delectable things I’ve ever put in my mouth. I’m not sure what they put in that frosting, but I’m guessing ecstasy is a main ingredient because it just makes you feel full of love!

So my friend called me up and announced, “The cake has arrived!” I didn’t even bother to answer as I hung up the phone and announced to my parents, “I’m going to get cake!”

My parent’s house has a little one-lane driveway and on it that day were several cars. Unfortunately, my car (a pretty sweet 78 YELLOW Oldsmobile Cutlass that resembled a tank more than a car) was one of the first ones in the row. Last in line was the beat-up conversion van my dad was driving at the time.

Sidenote: This van went on many a road trip. We later discovered there were two GIANT holes in the floorboard. It was well on its way to being a Flintstone car! It’s amazing no one fell through these holes, to be honest.

Anyway, the conversion van was last in line so I asked my Dad if I could borrow it, which was no problem at all. I raced to the van and hopped in, taking a second to wipe off the drool that was pooling in my lower lip.

Cakeville, here I come!!!

I put the car in reverse and hit the accelerator, practically racing time to get out of the driveway. We’re talkin’ wheels spinnin’ and smoke billowin’! I did not even bother to check the rearview mirror. I’m so short and the van was so big that I couldn’t see out of it anyways!

Suddenly I heard BOOM! CRASH!

I quickly realized I had just reversed the van into our neighbor’s car…and I was going full speed. I was that excited to get cake. I freaked out as I realized that I have crushed the neighbor’s car. I pulled the van up a little and put it in park in the middle of the street.

My dad came running out of the house yelling about how proud he was of me. “You bleeping idiot! What the bleep were you looking at?! What the bleep are you doing? What are you a bleeping moron? Are you bleeping blind???”

I instantly started crying as the neighbors and the guests from their DINNER PARTY came running out from the backyard to check out the source of the loud crash and yelling.

Yep, that was me. Reversing out of a driveway going about 80 mph in order to inch a bit closer to morbid obesity and diabetes.

Of course, this little fender bender did not stop me from going over to my friend’s house for cake. I managed to convince another friend to pick me up. I was so embarrassed and did not want the neighbors to see me, so I hopped the fence in our backyard and snaked through neighbor’s yards in order to be picked up at the golf course about a block away.

Sigh.

I was that hard up for Sara Lee cake.

Sober Contemplations:

The only reason you should be going 80 mph in reverse in a conversion van is if you are being chased by a serial rapist/killer on PCP.

But seriously, have you ever had Sara Lee cake? It is SO good. I would hop any fence, anywhere, to get my mitts on a piece of that sugary goodness.

And then when I’m done have the strange desire to dance with glow sticks and scratch my own arms for hours on end.